Sing This One With Me…

“On the 4th day of December

My true love said to me

‘There’s a snakeskin 

In the Christmas tree.'”


Well, that’s not exactly the way it happened.  The fact of the matter is that I opened the bags holding our tree parts and started pulling them out.  Oh, I thought, It appears that some mice got into this bag.  And then I pulled out a section of the tree and noticed pieces of snakeskin and realized that a snake had evidently gone in, too.  Looking for lunch, I suppose.

After I stopped screaming and running through the neighbors’ yards as though my pants were on fire, I did the only thing I could think to do.  I barricaded myself — oh, wait.  Tater Tot was here, too.  Ahem.  We barricaded ourselves inside the house and waited for Tater Daddy to come home.

Now, the rational side of my brain tells me that the snakes have all gone off to their little winter vacation homes to sleep through the cold season. Here’s what the irrational side of my brain hears.

“There is a snake in your artificial tree, Tater Mama, and it knows (A) that you are terrified of it, and (B) that you hate it.  Therefore, it is going to spend the winter trying to scare the living daylights out of you.”

It’s true.  I am terrified of ALL snakes and therefore I hate ALL of them.  Oh, I know they have their place in the ecosystem, blah, blah, blah…  I taught elementary school for nine years and have made enough food chains (hawk –snake–rodent–plant) to stretch from here to your house and back.  I have lied through my teeth to innocent little first and third graders and told them that I believe that snakes are good for our world, when I honestly believe we could survive without them.  (Aren’t I correct in saying that Hawaii has NO snakes?  Does it seem to be a great problem for Hawaiians?)

Anyway, I just don’t like anything associated with snakes.  I don’t want a snakeskin purse.  I won’t wear a snakeskin belt, and I would never put on a pair of snakeskin boots.  So I sure as heck don’t want a snakeskin tree.

Tater Daddy came home from work to find the front porch littered with pieces of the Christmas tree and his wife and young son perched on top of the chair in front of the window, staring at him.

“Are you pretending to be crows?” he asked.

“Oh, that’s clever, but no.  We’re waiting to see if the snake in the Christmas tree wakes up and slithers out onto the porch,” I said.

“And you’ve seen this snake?”

I think I said something like, “WELL, NO, BUT I’VE SEEN BITS AND PIECES OF SNAKESKIN AND I JUST KNOW WE HAVE A SNAKE IN THE CHRISTMAS TREE AND WHAT IF IT’S A COBRA OR A BOA CONSTRICTOR OR SOMETHING LIKE THAT?” 

“Woman.  First and foremost, you have GOT to up those drama meds around the holidays.  And secondly, what are YOU going to do about the snakeskin/snake/tree situation?”  (Remember?  He told me the other day that all holiday decorating was up to me this year.)

“After I knock you over the head with the part where I think the snake is hiding, I think I’ll take your wallet and go buy another tree, Mr. Smarty McBritches.”

So you get the picture, right?  Isn’t our witty banter just the cutest?  (Cough, cough, cough.) 

Even though I had every intention of putting the tree up myself, at least until the whole snakeskin incident, my sweet husband gave up his night and did most of the work.  He wasn’t happy about it.  But he did it.

And all we found were a few dead baby mice in a big clump of cotton.  Any sympathy from me about those little critters?  Oh, come on…  You know how I feel about mice, don’t you?

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10 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Kelley
    Dec 05, 2008 @ 08:57:01

    I would have packed up the house and moved.

    I hate both snakes AND mice! Ugh!

    Reply

  2. D
    Dec 05, 2008 @ 08:59:08

    That, Tater Mom, is one of the funniest things I’ve read in a while. I can just see Tater Dad saying all that.

    I can’t wait to see that snakey tree in just about ten days!

    Reply

  3. Jenn
    Dec 05, 2008 @ 09:13:02

    OMG’ness! You have a very sympathetic supporter in me! You’re a bit more level headed than I (betcha didn’t think you were gonna hear that, did ya?). Personally, I would have found a match and thrown a little pyrotechnics show right there on my front porch. I grew up in FL and had ten too many encounters with snakes, pretty much all of which have left me emotionally scarred to some degree. 🙂

    May I suggest a new song to sing? S-s-s-s-s-silver bells, S-s-s-s-silver bells….

    Reply

  4. Kim H.
    Dec 05, 2008 @ 09:13:41

    I am so with you – I’ve done similar things… I freak at the sight of either creature!

    Reply

  5. Lora Lynn
    Dec 05, 2008 @ 09:50:15

    oh, we would have burned the tree and probably the whole house down, too. can’t risk crossing paths with even snake remnants.

    Reply

  6. kim sue
    Dec 05, 2008 @ 10:57:12

    new tree, definitely a new tree, straight to wal mart do not pass go, would have been my vote!

    Reply

  7. Meg @ SpicyMagnolia
    Dec 05, 2008 @ 11:50:37

    Oh my word! Like some of your other commenters, a new tree would definitely be in order! You totally have my sympathy; I seriously cannot imagine discovering all that you did. Ew!!! and Ahhh!!!

    Reply

  8. Upside Brown
    Dec 05, 2008 @ 15:50:53

    I’m with you, sister. I’m the one who shivered in the twin beds of Hathorn Hall with you at the sound of thunder, remember? What’s with the ghosts and snakes this year?

    Let’s move! The last one to Hawaii is a rotten egg!!

    Reply

  9. Calista
    Dec 06, 2008 @ 00:58:23

    Yeah, I’m scared of three kinds of snakes, dead snakes, live snakes, and sticks that look like snakes….I’m with Kim Sue, new tree, absolutely, new tree. I would have burned the old one right there.

    Reply

  10. Jenny
    Dec 08, 2008 @ 17:46:36

    Not only did I enjoy this entry completely (said while holding stomach in laughter), I enjoyed all the comments from your friends. Especially, the dead snakes, live snakes, and sticks that look like snakes….I almost killed myself running from a stick in June. Sure, it’s funny now…..

    Reply

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