Swimsuit and Tomato Season Will Be Here Soon

My mother has been busy in her garden lately.  I can’t remember if I’ve written much about her garden, but every year she puts in a vegetable garden that I live for.  She spoils us, and about half of our hometown, rotten with tomatoes, corn, cucumbers, eggplant, bell peppers, green beans (By the way,did you know you can fry these?), zipper peas, English peas, watermelons, and cantaloupe.  Can I get an A-M-E-N?

Last year she thought that Mr. Buddy, the man who farms her land, had sprayed Round-Up too close to her 18 tomato plants, so she planted about 18 more.  As it turned out, most of the original 18 survived.  We had tomatoes until the first of October.  Can I get another A-M-E-N?

I’m going to switch gears here, but stay with me.  It might make sense and tie together when I’m done, or it may not.  You never know.

With summer coming up, and considering the fact that we have a toddler who LOVES to be in the water, I decided that it was time to buy a new swimsuit.  So I drank four margaritas and went shopping.  I’m just kidding.  I drank the margaritas after I came home.  Okay, I’m still kidding.  I just wanted to drink the margaritas.  I opted for about six diet cokes and a bag of salt and vinegar potato chips.  What can I say?  I soothe myself with food.  If I soothed myself with exercise, I suppose I would actually enjoy shopping for swimsuits.  That’s a concept I can’t even wrap my feeble brain around, though.

At any rate, after what was most certainly a miserable shopping experience, I decided that I would try the Miracle Suit.  You know, the one that’s supposed to make you look 10 pounds thinner INSTANTLY!  I justified the expense by telling myself that ever since Tater Tot was born, I’ve probably spent a total of $11 on clothes for myself.  I’ve really enjoyed those new socks, too.  Let’s face it.  Once a baby enters the picture, no one cares what the Mama looks like because the Mama immediately becomes invisible.  If you show up somewhere without your child, the first thing someone says is, “Where is the baby?”  When you do have the baby in your arms, the first thing people say is, “Let me see that baby!”  You know what I’m talking about, right?  Invisible Mama Syndrome.

A few days after I placed the order, the swimsuit arrived and I tried it on.

Dear Miracle Suit,

I am wild about the color of the swimsuit I ordered.  No one makes a better black than you do.  But I have a favor to ask.

Is there any way you could make a swimsuit that makes us look 20 pounds thinner?  Because wearing two of your suits is (A) very expensive, (B) kind of uncomfortable, and (C) probably hot.  And I mean “hot” in the temperature way, not the “Look at me” way.  If it were the latter, I would not need two Miracle Suits in the first place.

Just a thought.

Yours truly,

Tater Mama  (A southern gal who will soon be eating hundreds of bacon and tomato sandwiches on white bread, slathered with large globs of Miracle Whip)

So far there has been no reply from the Miracle Suit people, and I did send the suit back because (if I suck in my stomach and don’t exhale for several hours) I really can’t tell that much difference between theirs and one from Old Navy.  

However, I sure as heck CAN tell the difference between the prices.

It’s about 17 packages of bacon and two jars of Miracle Whip. 

That’s something like 130 bacon and tomato sandwiches.

A-M-E-N!

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5 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Meg @ Spicy Magnolia
    Apr 24, 2009 @ 06:22:04

    It’s an early morning in our household today, but I only have one thing on the brain: bacon and tomato sandwiches!

    Yeah, I totally dread the swimsuit shopping experience. It’s is just that: dreadful. I’d much rather keep eating bacon and tomato sandwiches…with homegrown tomatoes at that!

    Reply

  2. pcb
    Apr 24, 2009 @ 07:38:36

    Having moved into my fifties, I can tell you it’s all about the cover-up and, when you must get in the water, a skirted two-piece (not the dreaded swim dress). Also a large hat and sunglasses, so maybe they won’t recognize you. 🙂

    Also, a hugh A-M-E-N for BLTs. Except around here it has to be Hellman’s.

    Reply

  3. Kim H.
    Apr 24, 2009 @ 12:25:44

    I love that you can measure price in bacon & tomato sandwiches… hysterical.

    Reply

  4. Tatersmama
    Apr 25, 2009 @ 13:39:08

    My guy decided I might as well buy a 2-piece. He figures less fabric=less money, and besides, why pay for something to hide my tummy when it’s obvious I have one ( Oh Lor’, do I have one!) that can’t be hidden.

    And BLT’s? mmm mmm mmm ! But around here it’s Best Foods.

    Reply

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